Ev'ry nut and rhubarb-head in this ripe land of ours
Is fodder for the media, who make them minor stars.
Klansmen, hermits, pastors who rewrite the Golden Rule,
All of them are worshipped and can make Fox Network drool.
If you have a bad idea, a lamebrain inspiration,
You can bet that journalists will tell it to the nation.
Silence may be golden, but you'd never know it here –
Where common sense and modesty are laid upon a bier.
A muffin that is full of bran
Makes me feel like Superman;
Leap tall buildings, anyway,
As I look for a bidet.
If you are a muffin greenie
You might order the zucchini;
Moist, I'll grant, and quite nutritious,
But the flavor ain't ambitious.
Choc'late, cream cheese – now you're talking,
As my arteries they're caulking.
Nuts and berries, nectarines—
just stay away from collard greens
You may think they are effete;
Ham and eggs are more your treat.
But though the whole world tends to toughen
I shall have my morning muffin!
Holy guacamole, there's undocumented folk
Mixing up my Caesar with some pepper and egg yolk!
Don't tell me an Afghan with no papers is the one
Who serves me my espresso and an almond hot cross bun?
I've no use for any of these common refugees;
You must separate the curds from whey in making cheese!
Give me native hands to ladle out my vichyssoise,
An honest corn-fed Iowan who knows about coleslaw.
Menu prices may reach heights that cause the jaw to slack;
If they do I'll just go down and buy a cheap Big Mac.
The parking is atrocious and I will not stand in line
For anything but Lourdes or something equally divine.
The ticket clerk's a refugee from Bowery Boys, I swear;
The velvet ropes are musty and the restroom needs repair.
The movie trailers last too long, the popcorn's going stale
And would it kill the management to offer ginger ale?
Ticket prices would make even Rockefeller shriek!
(Can you catch a matinee on Saturday next week?)
Put a homeless person in a senate seat today;
You will like their attitude and what they've got to say.
Lobbyists will bribe them but the "fix" will never stay,
Since they'll take their shopping cart and simply walk away.
Give a homeless person a political ID;
They can speak at fund raisers while swiping all the brie.
They would make a wonderful judicial appointee,
Even though they might be lacking any G.E.D.
Wouldn't it be lovely if the homeless staged a coup
And told all of the rest of us exactly what to do?
We would get free housing in a dumpster with a view
And our kids would panhandle while playing a kazoo.
