My Uncle

I had an uncle, very fine, who never worked a day.

When he was out of funds he simply had his little say:

"I could have spent my hours in an office or a mine,

but that would not be suitable for one of my great line.

Instead I give you people leave to hand me little tips,

So I can have a snifter and go on my little trips.

I'm sure you see I can't be left out in the cold to die;

You'd never live the shame down, it would give you a black eye."

And so he never wanted for the finer things – what's more,

We treated him like royalty and not a mooching bore.

So let this be a lesson when the government comes calling;

Give it cheerfully and you will find it much less galling.

snow

What can you say about snow

That hasn't already been said?

It's white and it's soft and it's cold,

And it slides down your neck from your head.

Some shovel it, breaking their backs,

But others, who take life at ease,

Wait for the sun to come out,

While shushing around on their skis. 

Children think it is immense;

A gift from the gray clouds above.

Adults that must drive through it think

It shows God has not any love.

What I think of snow is just this:

A smart man will, sooner or later,

Do what I've already done

And move down to the Equator.

State Unions

King Canute knew long ago that you cannot command

The waves to roll back from their tidal wedding with the sand.

But modern legislatures seem to think that they can bid

The unions to crawl in a can and then screw on a lid.

State governments are hoping with a fervor quite distinct

That all their workers will become, first quiet, then extinct.

But I think that instead of such preposterous intrigue

We make each woman, man and child a member of the league –

If all of us are hired by the state where we reside,

It's 'all aboard' the gravy train for such a jolly ride!

No more unemployment and with pensions like Fort Knox,

We'll sit around all day and nosh on bagels and pink lox.

To pay for this we'll have to sell a few things – just a tidge –

Let's see if China wants to buy a 'bargain' Brooklyn Bridge . . .

Beebe, Arkansas

You must be an awful dweeb

If you have not heard of Beebe,

Arkansas, where redwings fell

Recently – twas quite pell mell!

As to why the birds collapsed,

It's been whispered (even gasped)

That a UFO, in fun,

Did commit a hit and run.

But as a bird, would you not slay

Yourself instead of in Beebe stay?

GOP

O Republicans are chipper

As they think of Jack the Ripper

While they're tearing guts out of our health care plan.

And they often stop to snigger

As they start to pull the trigger

On most anything of which they're not a fan.

They think congress is a forum

Where a fire-breathing quorum

Can delete humanitarian decrees,

And give tax cuts to the wealthy

Without having to be stealthy –

And who cares if homeless people starve & freeze?

O the party of Abe Lincoln

Is all action and no thinkin' –

They've got Sarah Palin as their guru grand.

They're against whatever's current

As they gaze down from their turrent

And pour boiling oil upon this wretched land.

St. George, Utah

High school clubs for chess and art

Do not make folks fall apart –

But when clubs begin to stray

Into subjects that are "gay"'

School boards tend to close their minds,

Lock the door and pull the blinds.

Goes to show our high schools lack

Forward-thinking – they look back,

And like ancient Pharisees

Put new thoughts in the deep freeze.

Going there must be just like

Attending school in the Third Reich.