Obama's Round Table for Squares

 

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Obama held a round table discussion with the press/to talk about the country's plight and deepening distress/he said he wanted journalists to help him clear the air/(does he think this kind of stunt will get him anywhere?)/the press sat back and listened and politely went along/the snacks were free and plentiful, the coffee warm and strong/Obama, let me tell you, just in case you haven't heard/that journalists are joining with the ranks of dodo bird/soon our daily papers will be but a memory/since their only business plan is filing bankruptcy/if I were you I'd dump reporters now and go whole-hog/after all those weirdoes who just sit around and blog.
 

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Cat Hoarders

Bankers now are lining up, using words quite sharp/to return the money that was forced on them by TARP/"We don't want your stinkin' cash" they say in righteous tones/"Not if there are strings attached that leave us just bear bones"/"We will party as we please and give ourselves huge raises"/"Squeeze the blood from turnips . . ." and some other tender phrases/You claim to know your business and do not need intervention/(pardon me if Lehman Brothers I just briefly mention)/Brave bankers I salute you for so honestly revealing/that you want to keep on with your whoring and your stealing/So give us back our money and we all can start to build/on the dreams you took from us and then had raped and killed/when all those toxic loans fall due and you haven't got a cent/I will gladly help you find a basement room to rent.

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cat hoarders

 

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Every couple months a puppy mill is brought to light/creating a sensation that lasts almost overnight/other times it's cats jammed in a mobile home somewhere/the owners always looking vague and in their underwear/it's a sad, sad, story, but makes copy that is read/especially if cats and dogs are sick or mostly dead/other times you get a house that's full of parakeets/or ferrets or iguanas or small monkeys tearing sheets/we shake our heads and say these people should be put away/but maybe they're just hoarding food for the next rainy day/I think with the recession we must change our point of view/If your pet were starving don't you think it would eat you?
 

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Twitterpated

 

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Like a form of littering,
everyone is Twittering.
Everything, without regret,
is posted on the internet.
Private moments don't exist,
disappeared like morning mist.
Spare me mundane details, please.
Don't record your every sneeze.
Aren't we all completely sated
by these folks, so twitterpated?
I would tell the world: Behold!
All that Twitters is not gold.
 

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Barbie

 

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Barbie is as old as me;
her sales grow ever bigger.
But unlike me her age has not
impacted her svelte figure.
I wonder what she eats at night
when no one is observing?
If I were Ken I think I'd find
the whole thing quite unnerving.
Other dolls have come and gone
but Barbie has the stats
to hang around forever --
'til she's beat up by the Bratz.
 

 

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Fraud

 

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One thing's never out of style --
con artists with lots of guile.
Now that we have all gone bust
they still prey upon our trust.
Need to sell a gold knick-knack?
They will promise you a stack,
take your gold, then disappear;
they excel in the bum steer.
Got a mortgage you can't fix?
They have got a bag of tricks
that they say will save the day,
as they steal your home away.
On the street you will be sent,
where they'll sell you a cheap tent.
Credit cards with interest rates
deadly as the Motel Bates.
Hidden fees down at the bank
that soon surface, smelling rank.
Jobs that promise long-term work
fly away like Captain Kirk.
And your so-called pension plan
isn't worth an old tin can.
Life insurance policies
are a cold and distant tease.
Losing weight, virility,
pique our gullibility.
Nostrums sell like griddle cakes,
even when they're labeled fakes.
Just like every tree has bark,
every scam has got its mark.
With the bad times now increasing,
Lord deliver us from fleecing!

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The Good Jobs

 

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Lost your job and in a jam?
Why not work for Uncle Sam!
Private sector jobs are done,
but the Feds are having fun
staffing all the agencies
for finance emergencies.
Tax collectors -- name your price!
Pen pushers will have it nice.
Goldbricks -- now's your time to shine.
Salaries are out of line!
If at desk you can ignore
deadlines while you gently snore,
they have got a job for you
propping up a bank or two.
Benefits are guaranteed.
Payday comes with blinding speed.
And then every ninety days
you will get a healthy raise.
There's no need to hesitate;
soon we'll all work for the state.
And the taxes that we pay
will go up and there they'll stay.

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Lint

 

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Like the ever-spreading mint,
I am plagued with creeping lint.
On my Sunday coat it sits,
welcome as a case of zits.
Little pills that hold on firm,
causing drycleaners to squirm.
They're attracted to my pants.
Counting them has caused a trance.
Pillows, linen, and fresh paint,
are infected with this taint.
All my rugs have got 'em, too;
pearly white like morning dew.
Where they come from -- who's to tell?
All I know: their ranks do swell!
Household dandruff they've become,
striking visitors quite dumb.
How I wish that they would go, man.
Otherwise, I'll be a snowman.

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More this-n-that

On Khartoum's dusty streets you hear
praise for Omar al-Bashir.
He's president of the Sudan
and also is a wanted man.
Convicted of brutality,
his countrymen do not agree;
they regard his genocide
as a matter of great pride.
How can Omar go to jail
with his country making bail?
 
 
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Justices in their black robes
pull upon their taut earlobes,
pondering a slasher flick
that is making Clinton sick.
It is quite a hatchet-job
from the anti-Clinton mob.
What gives Justices a pause
are the vague election laws:
It it documentary
or just plain hostility?
Jumbo drinks and warm popcorn
probably they all will scorn
as Obama's team implores
that they give the film low scores,
label it a tawdry smear,
fine the maker very dear.
But, with all things being equal,
I suppose there'll be a sequel.

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Cute Commute

 

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Oh, with rampant unemployment
our commute is such enjoyment
tooling down deserted avenues at speeds
that are very satisfying
not to say quite death-defying,
avoiding here and there a patch of weeds.
Where it used to take an hour
as we sat with faces sour
creeping slowly in a corridor of cars,
we now travel free-and-easy,
while the jobless, feeling queasy,
tramp about collecting bottles and glass jars.
Oh, and soon it will be better
when we get that awful letter
from the boss regretting he must let us go,
and there's no need for commuting
while the banks continue looting,
so we stay at home and watch the Oprah Show.
 

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Of Money & Mortality

 

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Every crook and dumb schlemiel
signs up for a big book deal.
Those corrupt and bold gold-diggers
often get up to six figures.
If you are Blagojevich,
spill your guts and you'll be rich.
Tales of crime and deep addiction
are what pass for good non-fiction.
But publishers had better learn
these aren't books for which I yearn.
If you want to see my cash
bring out something more than trash.
Otherwise the library
is the only place for me.
 
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Even when you've bought the farm,
debt ignores that fatal charm.
Death may take a holiday;
bill collectors holler "nay!"
Sounding upbeat and quite fresh
they demand their pound of flesh.
Dialing up the next of kin
as they tuck the body in;
it's a great financial tool,
made to order for a ghoul.
If they call me, I will tell
them "seek the source" --
go straight to hell.

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Karaoke

 

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I don't see why the world has need of off-key karaoke;
amateurs who sing the blues with voices oh so hokey.
Reading off the lyrics from a screen, just like a dunce.
This is an experience you only should have once.
Fueled by strong libations it occurs quite late at night
in a bar where good taste, common sense, have taken flight.
So if you're feeling ready a romantic song to bawl,
do us all a favor and stay in your shower stall.
 

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PONZI

The biggest Ponzi scheme of all is run by Uncle Sam;
compared to all those trillions, old man Madoff is a lamb.
Pay in lots of taxes and some day, you are assured,
your money will be doubled while all poverty is cured.
Banks will turn a profit and make loans to you and me;
your house will once again become a fecund money tree.
Jobs will be so common that we'll all have one or two;
we'll go out to buy everything, whatever is brand new!
So pony up the green stuff to your good old Uncle Sam
and wait in line forever on this patriotic scam.
 
 

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epitaph

 

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EPITAPH
 
Here lies one who drove with care.
Who played no sports but solitaire.
Was vaccinated faithfully.
Drank nothing stronger than green tea.
Kept hands clean and did not smoke.
In the rain would wear a cloak.
Avoided salt and ate whole wheat.
Looked both ways at every street.
Despite this very cautious drill,
choked upon a diet pill.
Proving that the ideal weight
cannot keep you from your fate.
 

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Saturday

 

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In consequence of shortages that now have come our way
we announce with keen regret there'll be no Saturday.
Weekends now will be one day; so plan accordingly.
This is for the greater good of our community.
With the time that will be saved our calendars will shrink,
saving tons of paper and a lot of colored ink.
Those who hoard their Saturdays and do not turn them in
will be dealt with harshly, as will all their next of kin.

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Life & Death

The cheapening of government affects all walks of life
from little tykes who miss Head Start to cons who wield a knife.
Those cons who murder willfully have nothing much to fear;
states can't pay electric bills, so they won't get the cheer.
Gas is too expensive and the price of rope is high;
the guillotine's an import that they can't afford to buy.
So murder anyone you want; it's really not a crime.
Not when governments are keeping Gadianton time.
 
****************************************
 
Obama says we must endure;
that somewhere a financial cure
is ready to be
(not this century)
proposed to prosperity lure.
 
 

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FW: from tim torkildson

 

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Saving for a rainy day is what our elders said
would keep us going when we ran out of our daily bread.
But the banks and merchants have been selling pretty hard
to run us into debt by using Visa, Mastercard.
"Live within your means" is an American cliche.
"You can't take it with you" is what advertisers say.
Suddenly the value of our homes has gone to pot;
that is where we put our money, as our elders taught.
Highbinders who risked it all and borrowed heavily
get more cash from Uncle Sam for absolutely free.
In this topsy turvy world there's one thing that's for sure --
money is the cause of grief and also is its cure.
So if you haven't any you can thank your lucky stars
and if you have may you get piles from sitting on gold bars.

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Peacemakers

 

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Blessed are the peacemakers who strive to spread deep calm
instead of lighting fires and then setting off a bomb.
Those who can bring enemies together for a talk
deserve with saints and heroes to eventually walk.
Alas, my temper keeps me from believing much in peace.
When it comes to sympathy I think I've lost my lease.
Like Mark Twain I am lukewarm on the damn human race;
experience has taught me not to trust too much in grace.
 

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Drone

Battle by remote control leaves soldiers safe and sound;
too bad you can't say the same for civilians on the ground.
When the Drones begin their flight to track down a bad guy,
there is every chance that kids will also have to die.
A robot has no mercy, it cannot tell between
a terrorist in hiding or a pacifist serene.
Let soldiers take their chances to fight the enemy
and spare us the convenience of such grim technology.

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A Minnesota Nonsense Poem

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee
decided they would fight.
Said Tweedle Dum to Tweedle Dee:
"I know that I am right."
Said Tweedle Dee to Tweedle Dum:
"You cannot get my goat."
Said Tweedle Dum to Tweedle Dee:
"I want another vote!"
And so with heavy armor on
and lawyers by the ton
they battled quite ferociously
beneath the setting sun.
The judges watched the battle 'til
they couldn't stand the gore
and then they went to Sleepy Eye
and there began to snore.
The media did egg them on,
just waiting for a scoop.
They got more than they bargained for
in hot air blasts and poop.
The lawyers threw their weight around
and then sent in a bill
that made T. Dum and made T. Dee
considerably ill.
Said Tweedle Dum to Tweedle Dee:
"I sure am strapped for cash."
Said Tweedle Dee to Tweedle Dum;
"My wallet is a hash!"
And so the two declared a truce
and took their trusty swords
and went out searching high and low
for golden treasure hoards.
And when they'd robbed the countryside
of every single cent,
they turned upon each other and
to battle gaily went.
But this time no one gave a hoot
about their great affair.
And so they simply stood around
exchanging a cold glare.
For all I know they're standing still
upon that field of green,
Subsisting on a bit of crow
and rancid jelly bean.

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