from tim torkildson

I went into a big box store so I

Could buy some screws.

I wandered past the pharmacy

And stopped to look at shoes.

The neon lights were up so high

That sparrows found a roost.

The orange signs foretold rollbacks

Unmercifully loosed.

I picked up some potato chips

And then a bag of salt,

Flip-flops, Lysol, rubber bands

And had a chocolate malt.

I got a haircut, tires changed,

The dog I had dewormed.

I ran into their little gym

To get my tummy firmed.

Luckily the ATM was right

Next to hardware –

So I punched the numbers in

And left the cupboard bare.

I got a flu shot from the nurse

Stationed by the deli.

Found a deal on pork and beans

And some guava jelly.

Couldn't pass the DVD's

Or half-priced canoes.

But you know when I got home

I clean forgot the screws!

---

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Archer Daniels Midland

Archer Daniels Midland

Buys up corn and wheat,

Pigs and cows and turkeys,

Plus the sugar beet.

Blends them all together,

Making biofuel,

Sells it to consumers

At a price that's cruel.

 

Archer Daniels Midland,

Juggler of genes,

But their ads are muted

In all magazines.

So we do not notice

Their bizarre design,

Tinkering with nature

Like some Frankenstein.

 

Archer Daniels Midland,

Like all big concerns,

Takes in much more money

Than it clearly earns.

If they paid their taxes

Like I have to do

Maybe this recession

Would recede from view.

---

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cosmetics

 

Cosmetics is a racket that is certainly insane;

The more expensive your cold cream the more sales you do gain.

Beauty may be skin deep but our vanity is not;

We will spend a fortune if we think it makes us hot.

So sell your goo at prices way beyond top of the line;

Cuz you can never cast too many pearls before us swine!

---

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tarmac troubles

 

If you're stuck upon the tarmac in a JetBlue plane,

Hollering for service will be hollering in vain.

You could be delayed for hours, starving and upset,

But not a bag of peanuts will you likely ever get.

The Federal Appeals court has struck down a New York rule

That says if you are stranded then at least you'll get some gruel.

The airlines have you captive once you're in their fuselage

And their haughtiness would put to shame the British Raj.

But if you like to travel all cooped up with service slack,

Then why not try to board the next available Amtrack?

---

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medicare

When I'm old and feeble, crowned with withered whitened hair

How puzzled I will be to learn there's no more Medicare.

The folks who came before me with their aches and pains and pills

Have gobbled up the pennies and left nothing but the bills.

There's no one working anymore my Medicare to pay;

They're all too busy hiding funds from trading on eBay.

So when I'm old and feeble and start coughing up my blood

I'll find my name is listed under just one column:  MUD.

My government will not explain the wherefore or the why –

I'll simply get a postcard saying: kiss your butt goodbye.

They'll tell me they have just enough to ease me in my grave.

But if I want formaldehyde I'd better start to save!

---

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hillary's snipers

Hillary sees snipers that the rest of us do not.

She saw a lot in Bosnia when Bill was a Big Shot.

Maybe she mistook the click of shutters from the press

For the sound of bullets dancing all around her dress.

Democrats like memories when they are very poor;

That is how they're able to sneak in the White House door.

---

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heaven

HEAVEN

 

Hindus think they're coming back.

Buddhists pine for total lack.

Christians look for seraphim.

Moslems crave a sexual gym.

Jews have not made up their minds.

Me, I'm hoping for pork rinds.

---

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out getting beer

Sarah Jane Olson

Released on parole.

Headed for St Paul;

Now it gets droll.

Someone has blundered

About her release.

So she is greeted

by many police,

Who put her in stir

For one more slow year;

Justice and Mercy

Are out getting beer.

---

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the reverend

Reverend Jeremiah Wright

Thinks that white folks are a blight.

White folks think that Jeremiah

Needed sooner to retiah.

In the middle, poor Obama

Should've picked the Dalai Lama.

---

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a mirror to God

Man holds a mirror up to find

A God who's merciful and kind.

He sees instead his own small face

So gives to God such petty grace.

Far past the stars yet in each mote

God does ignore our rules and rote.

His purposes beyond our ken

Still bring us home to Him again.

---

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happy anniversary

ONWARD CRISCO SOLDIERS

(a hymn celebrating the fifth anniversary of our liberation of Iraq)

 

 

Onward Crisco soldiers, slipping off to war.

Tools of politicians slicker than before.

Bush, the royal master, fumes against the foe.

Forward into anarchy see his planners go!

 

Onward Crisco soldiers, slipping off to war

For the same old snake oil going on before.

 

What's the sign of triumph; where's the victory?

Down in hell Saddam is laughing hee-hee-hee.

Our foundations quiver at the doubt of praise.

How can we lift voices in this blood-soaked haze?

 

Onward Crisco soldiers, slipping off to war.

Shock and awe bombastic

Going on before.

 

Onward then, ye people, driven right or wrong;

Blend with tears your voices over folly strong.

Glory, laud and honor are not anything

We here in America have the right to sing.

 

Onward Crisco soldiers, slipping off to war

With the stench of murder going on before.

---

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a visit to the hospital

A VISIT TO THE HOSPITAL

 

I went into the hospital to have a wart removed.

The operation rather strange and all mixed up has proved.

First they cut off both my ears and sewed them on my butt.

When I pulled my pants up all I did was holler "What?"

They took out my intestines and they started jumping rope

But at least they washed their hands real good with water and green soap.

Then they took my liver and they crammed it up my nose

And bathed my feet in curry sauce with chutney on my toes.

They pumped me full of helium until a motorcade

Came and took me off to be in Macy's street parade.

Finally they found the wart but couldn't operate.

It seems my health insurance had gone sadly out of date.

But they said they wouldn't charge me for that other stuff –

Ain't it grand when doctors goof to get it on the cuff!

---

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by any other name

When I make an unwise loan to some unsteady friend

I know I'll never see it back before the century's end.

It doesn't matter very much if payback is a rarity;

I can always think of it as noble-hearted charity.

But when the bank plays fast and loose will all their ready cash

Then collects from Uncle Sam – my teeth begin to gnash.

I hope someday the people who screwed up at old Bear Sterns

Are packed into their own bs and sealed in airtight urns.

Investment bank or carny con – the difference is minute.

A thief is just as crooked when he wears a pin-stripped suit.

---

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my barber

AFTER MANY YEARS OF DINING OUT I HAVE COME TO ONE CONCLUSION ABOUT THE HYGIENE OF MOST RESTAURANTS:

 

What do they do with the hair

That falls from a barbershop chair?

If I suspect right

It's sold in the night

To garnish my steak ordered rare.

---

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contentment

In middle age I find I want

But one thing from this mortal jaunt.

It is not wealth, which brings much care.

It is not looks – for who needs hair?

It is not fame – the paparazzi

Are worse than any goose-step Nazi.

Religion is of no concern;

My ex assures me I shall burn.

About my work I'm not obsessive;

I know it's mostly unimpressive.

Travel doesn't leave me thrilled.

All my cavities are filled.

Romance is a paradox

Left to those who dare a pox.

No, I seek but one last gem . . .

A daily, quiet, quick bm.

---

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the dollar is smaller

I took my dollar to the store

And found it bought so little.

I spent it on a single piece

Of sugar-coated Skittle.

When I asked the shopkeeper

Just what he thought he's doin'

He said he'd rather stockpile

Pesos, euros and the yuan.

Now I carry nothing but

A bag or two of gold,

Cuz dollars are like table grapes –

They're apt to shrink and mold.

---

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ozone

The smog creeps in on little cat feet.

The asthma it causes is harder to treat.

The ozone turns Grandma as white as a sheet.

The particles thicken in our summer heat.

How often will this story have to repeat?

---

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St Patrick

St. Patrick was a godly man

Who made the Emerald Isle

Free from snakes and other pests

But left them whiskey's guile.

So when the Irish toast his name

In oceans of hard drink

They'll never see a blessed snake

Unless, of course, it's pink.

---

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advice to the gov

The Governor was indiscrete; he couldn't keep his pants up.

No matter how he slices it, he'll have to give his rants up.

No better than his fellow man, and possibly more randy,

He cannot scold them anymore for hiring eye candy.

But don't despair, dear governor; if I may just start hintin' –

You can take some pages from the playbook of Bill Clinton!

Yes, Clinton fooled around a lot while in the Oval Office.

Seems he had the girls lined up, sighing "Won't you boff us?"

He obliged them merrily until his wife caught on

And then the staff took cover outside on the White House lawn!

Old Billy boy did not pretend to be some kind of saint.

When Congress said "You must resign!" he simply said: I ain't.

He stuck it out, and so can you, oh Governor E. Spitzer –

Cuz people know when Virtue's strong the man just up and quits her.

---

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on the wagon

 

Maybe alcoholics had the right thought all the time;

When you're drinking liquor they distill out all the grime.

While water from our faucets is a chemical pea soup;

So full of medication it could cure your children's croup.

It has fertilizers from our lawns and nearby farms

And enough petroleum to set off smoke alarms.

Trace amounts of heavy metals and some growth hormones

Shortens nervous systems while elongating our bones.

Even when the measurement comes in parts per billion,

Mercury and other crap could make me pee vermillion.

I'm going on the wagon when it comes to H2O;

From now on only vinegar throughout my veins will flow.

---

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show me the money

 

The rugged individual who strikes out on his own

Is more admired in our land than any pallid drone.

No pen pusher or clock watcher, these heroes do their job

Without a lot of documents or questions from the mob.

Take, for instance, those who smuggle wetbacks by the ton;

When there is a problem they just leave 'em in the sun.

No complaints and no red tape – the money's been collected.

A neater form of robbery has rarely been perfected!

But dumped upon our pristine shores these immigrants cause trouble;

They're hunted and they're hounded and are kicked out on the double.

It costs a lot of money to catch beaners on the lam.

So I say cut the middle man and turn to Uncle Sam.

Let these crazy immigrants each pay ten-thousand bucks

Directly to our government and not some tinhorn clucks.

Pocketing the moolah, we will take them for a ride

Across the Rio Grande to a place where they can hide.

Then count to ten and let them scatter like in hide-n-seek.

Then we'll hunt them down like dogs for just about a week.

Those we catch are bundled out of country mucho quick;

Those that can elude us we'll allow to stay and stick.

Of course we'll televise the hunt; the ratings will be rich;

The best darn money-maker since they thought up bait-n-switch!

My modest plan will turn a problem into spondulaks,

---

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the job fairy

THE JOB FAIRY

 

Every time a job is lost in factory or shop

The job fairy is notified and from the clouds does drop.

She sprinkles all the unemployed with silver NAFTA dust

And puts a nickel for them in an uninsured bank trust.

She dances in the moonlight right upon their self-esteem

And whispers in their ears that security's a dream.

She tiptoes through the hollyhocks; her giggles are restrained.

She gives baloney sandwiches to those who are retrained.

Then before she fades away to gossamer and smoke

She wraps up in her magic and her mystical blue cloak.

Daintily she weaves a spell upon a nettle's point

So laid-off workers wind up working in a fast food joint.

---

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purple prose

I've never had a Rolex watch.

I hope some day to own one.

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather lose than loan one.

---

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lullaby

LULLABY

 

Say your prayers, my darling child, it's time for beddy-bye.

But mommy, who's that poor old man I see begin to cry?

Do not fret, my honey, that is just old Huckabee;

He is mad at God for John McCain's great victory.

Will John McCain be President – is he a real nice man?

My child, if life were cereal then he would be the bran.

Mommy, leave the light on please –I'm so scared of the dark.

The Obama man will get me; he has teeth just like a shark!

Shame on you, my daughter, for such nonsense in your head!

The Obama man is toothless – those are polls inside his head.

Can I be President today if no one else is picked?

Daughter, you'll be President when all the men are licked.

Can I move my bedtime back and say just what I please?

Dear heart, in the White House you must map out every sneeze.

Now go to bed, my kewpie doll, and dream of sugar plums . . .

The food shelf closed its doors last week, I must go sweep for crumbs.

---

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bankers

 

Did you know your bank can play the middle from each side?

Sweet and sour blend in them like Jekyll and his Hyde.

First they put you in a house you really can't afford,

Then your interest rate becomes alarmingly unmoored.

The only thing preventing you from crashing very hard

Is living off the balance of your shiny credit card.

Just when you're about to be put out upon the street

Your bank relents with mortgage rates that seem to you quite sweet.

And so this happy tale doth end – but wait, did you forget

Your credit card is now maxed out and you are deep in debt?

The bills are coming faster and they all say "overdue".

Your credit score is lower than Dick Cheney's own IQ.

Now who gave you that credit card – who pulled that awful prank?

Read the small print carefully; it was your hometown bank!

They giveth and they taketh and you should not be surprised

That some of what they practice is not ever advertised.

Bankers are like hornets on a hot and sticky day;

Even when you're nice to them they sting you anyway.

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silence is golden

 

Hearing aides are needed by the vast majority

Of voters who are victims of the current jamboree.

Each candidate yells louder and much longer than the last.

Our eardrums are all rupturing from their infernal blast.

Boasting all at once about the merits of their cause

The candidates produce a din more grating than buzz saws.

Nowhere on this earth can you escape their dreadful tune

And from the things they're claiming they must broadcast from the moon!

I don't care how high their ratings at the polls may climb;

I am going to vote for someone skilled in pantomime!

---

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?

 

I think that I shall never see

Teeth so white as on TV.

If I bleached my teeth that bright

I'd read a book by grin at night.

---

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