timerick

        ODE TO IDLENESS

 

When I was young, ambitious and stupid

I could barely clothe myself

As well as Cupid.

Now I'm older, lazy and stupider

But if I want I can dress up

Like Jupiter.

And the sweat of my brow

Dried up long long ago

When I learned to unwind

And take everything slow.

My hands always idle –

The Devil's mayhap.

But when he comes calling

I'm taking a nap.

Yes, labor and I parted ways

When I noticed

How happier folks were

When they are lotused.

A cup of hot chocolate

And newspaper spread

Will last me all day

As I wallow in bed.

We all would do well

To inspect the staid sloth

Who moves very little

And never is croth.

Those who are busy

Who travel

Who work

Have never discovered

The joy of a lurk.

A lurk where you sit back

And watch others toil

To pay off their taxes

Or impress a goil.

A lurk is a lark is

The luck of the draw.

So if you're a camel

Who's reached the last straw

I invite you to green fields

Where you can relax

And watch the poor ant

Working off its thorax.

Laze and the world lazes with you.

Work and you work alone.

Your demanding boss

Will not share the moss –

Remember that old rolling stone!

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timerick

Keep Moving! (or, an old-fashioned inspirational poem for the New Year; the kind they don't write anymore.)
 
When investments all go south
and the dentist owns your mouth.
Keep moving!
 
When your car keys disappear
and Shemp Howard's in your mirror.
Keep moving!
 
When Fred Thompson looks okay
and your in-laws come to stay.
Keep moving!
 
When your mortgage grows immense
forcing you to live in tents.
Keep moving!
 
When the writer's strike is o'er
yet TV is still a bore.
Keep moving!
 
When your car gives up the ghost
and your credit rating's toast.
Keep moving!
 
When your aching brittle bone
is shot full of cortisone.
Keep moving!
 
When you're downsized to a man --
all the work in Pakistan.
Keep moving!
 
When the winter slush spreads deep
and Dick Cheney still is veep.
Keep moving!
 
When the stomach flu descends
and you have to wear Depends.
Keep moving!
 
When you find your spouse untrue
shacked up with a kangaroo.
Keep moving!
 
When ideals seem made of cloth
cut to cover greed and sloth.
Keep moving!
 
When and where and why and where
your life isn't sane or fair.
Keep moving!
 
Never stay that restless urge;
it is just as good as courage.
Keep moving!
 
Moving on makes problems flee --
or at least keeps yours from me . . .
KEEP MOVING!

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timerick rants on the Religious Right

NOTE:  an old, old friend of mine asked me to be on his radio talk show by phone in Albuquerque, New Mexico, yesterday.  He said he wanted to talk about the "Mormon life-style" after a visit to that city by Mitt Romeny.   I should have known better; he runs a chiristian radio station, and they all are up in arms over some kind of rumour that "Mormons believe the Devil is brother to the Saviour".  I've never heard this rigmarole before, have you?  But apparently it is a big deal w/the Huckabee campaign (even though he has officiallly denied it)  I yammered like an idiot when asked about it.  But I have my revenge: Huckabee is now a verb!
 
 
The Christian Right is raising Cain
and take the name of God in vain.
by claiming favored status when
it damns to hell the race of men
for blasphemy and other sins
but doesn't really care two pins
to listen to a point of view
that from their own might be askew.
Yet televangical misdeeds
are much more numerous than weeds
and mega-churches pocket sums
that make Wells Fargo look like bums
while crying up a Saviour that
had little more than sleeping mat.
Oh bigots of the pious right
with stoppered ears and blindered sight
How shall the truth make you be freed
as long as you are Huckabeed?

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The Pleasures of Ex . . .

To
Excavators we owe
thanks
for never filling in the
blanks.
 
Our
Excuses shield us
from
hearing snare of moral
drum.
 
When
Excess is
undetected
Democrats are soon
elected.
 
Some
Excursions can be
took
in a chair and with a
book.
 
All
Exegesis wise saints should
shun;
it's made the world with blood to
run.
 
Try
Excercise if you are
fat
or cellulite if you are
flat.
 
Take
Exhaust away from
cars
and suicides will fill the
bars.
 
With
Exogamy I do
concur;
I hate a wife who's always
sure.
 
What
Existentialism hasn't
done
is make philosophy good
fun.
 
If
Exostosis you've never
read
just think of Hillary Clinton's
head.
 
Now
Expat isn't considered
proper;
most just need to avoid a
copper.
 
An
Explosion often
comes
from home cooking without
Tums.
 
Darn
Expletives always
stalk
conversation and small
talk.
 
Get
Ex Lax if you are
glum;
your seat of reason will go
numb.
 
Praise
Exreta to the
skies;
how else could we have cow
pies?
 
Called
Extortion of a
sort --
otherwise known as child
support.
 
Huge
Extravaganza
sale
means the market has gone
stale.
 
Pure
Extrovert is someone
who
makes an atheist rent a
pew.
 
The
Expert knows much more than
me;
except when I write
poetry.
 

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timerick

It think it is right to inquire
if Cheney's blaze was too dire.
I've said all along
the guy is all wrong --
where there is smoke there is fire.
 

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Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary! Check it out!

timerick

I think we have reached overkill
with Lynne Spears on parenting skill.
One daughter's a drunk
the other's a punk
who didn't stay long on the pill.
 
 

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Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary! Check it out!

timerick

In Denver the voting machines
are not worth a small hill of beans.
It can't be denied
they're decertified
with video games on their screens.
 

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timerick

All thugs in New Jersey beware;
the Death Sentence now is not there.
Life in New Jersey?
That isn't mercy!
I'd rather they gave me the chair.
 

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Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary! Check it out!

timerick

Adjustable mortgage rates, froze,
will cause banker's clip joints to close.
They'll have to look out
for others to tout
besides those who can't count their toes.
 

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timerick

ALEXANDER POPE MEETS MARK TWAIN
 
Dictators may come and go
while tyrants wax and wane.
But error never loses hope
of more converts to gain.
 
Congresses and parliaments
can boast all that they want
but money sends them scurrying
to error's gilded haunt.
 
Honesty is only found
in private acts of grace
which confound every party of
the whole damn human race.
 
**************************************************
TAKE ME OUT OF THE BALL GAME
 
Though their union tried to fight,
Knoblauch, Clemens, Rondell White
finally were brought up short
in the Mitchell drug report.
 
Anabolic steroids stream
through them like a druggist's dream.
Bud Selig will sure insist
on a brutal slap on wrist.
 
 

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timerick

Oh Lord we thank thee for this pork
that comes from Austin way.
We pray that it will nourish us
and that no toxins stay.
Please bless the workers at the plant
we pray their knives don't miss
and that their health plans cover them
for some paralysis.
We hope that those who do not have
a pork plant of their own
can find another way to spread
disease that is home-grown.
 
*********************************
 
No more milk and cookies
when Santa comes to town.
As a kid's role model
he's making parents frown.
Rolly polly belly
and all that double chin
now must be deflated
like an Olson twin.
This has grown too stupid;
might next we ask ourselves:
Do we need to get some
growth hormone for the elves?
 

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timerick

From the CEO
to all those below;
I just want to say
Happy Holiday
and to let you know
every job is snow
when the bottom line
(every job but mine)
crashes through the floor.
I am keeping score
to economize
(look at these silk ties!)
and avoid lay-offs
(but not my pay-offs).
Pension plans are strong
and you can't go wrong
stock options to seize
(with those lovely fees).
So we can compete,
sick days I delete.
And I won't renew
health insurance, too.
If you're feeling ill
take an aspirin pill.
But I'll reimburse
if you need a hearse.
Now that we are set
(where's my private jet?)
for economy
(stall the SEC!)
ignore legal writs
(I'll be in St. Kitts)
and be of good cheer
(your check will not clear).
 
***************************************
 
Ding Dong Ducks
Islamic justice sucks.
 
Bim Bom Band
for theft they chop your hand.
 
Foh Fye Fee
and for adultery
 
Tick Tuck Tocks
the woman's killed by rocks.
 
Jim Jam Jerk
and does their system work?
 
Nick Nock Need
Islamic bombers breed
 
Pill Pal Pole
like rabbits in a hole.
 
Rive Rave Ruve
which only goes to prove
 
Zum Zam Zing
that death solves everything.
 

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Taffy Pulling

Oh what a tangled web we weave
when pulling taffy Christmas Eve.
It starts quite innocent enough
with buttered hands on gooey stuff
but strings of taffy soon begin
around our arms and legs to spin.
We pull and pinch and then we fall
together like a popcorn ball.
We roll into the Christmas tree
which covers us in tinsel -- whee!
This web of sugar tit for tat
pulls in the dog and then the cat.
A juggernaut, we roll outside
to pick up swingsets and a slide.
Down in the road we don't get far
before we're stuck onto a car
and carolers we sticky meet
to drag them through the icy street
until without a stop or pause
we run into old Santa Claus.
With reindeer paws and bearded girth
we wobble bulky o'er the earth.
We're partly red and partly green
as we sweep up a manger scene.
Colossal now, we pick up speed
just like a sci-fi film indeed.
So as we smash through snowy crest
we hope your Holidays are blessed!
 

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