this land

(WITH APOLOGIES TO WOODY GUTHERIE)

 

This land ain't your land.

This land ain't my land.

From wiretapping

To the bill collectors

From Wall Street hucksters

To the cost of health care.

This land was stole from you and me.

 

As I was walkin'

On down the highway

I saw "Foreclosed" signs

On the family houses

With broken windows

And the broken children.

This land was stole from you and me.

 

This land ain't honest

This land ain't human.

From infomercials

To the INS raids.

From drive-by shootings

To the waterboarding.

This land ain't worth a damn to me.

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tobaconal

 

 

Many are the ears of corn distilled as ethanol.

But supplies of corn can fail and then production stall.

Other types of biomass might have to be secured.

I suggest tobacco leaf, all bundled up and cured!

We can make tobaconal for every car and truck.

Let the smokers on pipe cleaners all begin to suck.

Put Joe Camel in the tank and let him pull his weight.

That would put the OPEC guys into a pretty state!

'Baccy is a useless crop we've coddled far too long.

Southern states don't want it touched; they think it is King Kong.

We have failed to have this weed uprooted and destroyed.

Turn it into something that's more usefully employed!

Every car should run on snuff; toboconal's the answer!

Then old cars will not be junked: they'll just die of cancer.

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me too!

ME TOO

 

Somewhere sixty years ago

A baby born brand-new

Uttered these immortal words

When slapped, he cried:  "Me too!"

 

As a child at giddy games

Or going to the zoo

He would not be left behind

But hollered 'till he was half-blind:

"Me too!"

 

When at college he enrolled

Our hero's grades so flew;

He could read-n-write-n-spell.

And he learned the college yell:

"Me too!"

 

In the courtroom he did lead

And made his mark so true.

An honest lawyer who told

Clients always plead:

"Me too!"

 

When our country needed him,

He patriotic grew.

So he ran for President –

An independent resident –

Whose platform was:

"Me too!"

 

He lost, of course, but never

Ever would he sob boo-hoo.

He picked up all the pieces

And although he gained more creases

His war cry never ceases:

"Me too!"

 

In the nursing home he sits,

Just a burnt-out crater.

Whispering "me too, me too!"

Forgetting he's Ralph Nader.

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How?

How do we recycle poison when it's in the air?
How explain the global warmth to some dead polar bear?
How can you stop forests from destruction in Brazil?
How delay Armegeddon from radioactive swill?
How come fish are flopping dead from too much mercury?
How come there is nothing left of Russia's Azov Sea?
How did chickens come to give us Asiatic Flu?
How can frogs be born with three legs, not the standard two?
How did we decide to live with acid rain sometimes?
How is it that no one's charged with any of these crimes?
How do we excuse ourselves for crapping in our pants?
We set up a foundation to award big useless grants!

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FW: timerick

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From: tork49@hotmail.com
To: tork49@hotmail.com; gove@byu.edu; dharris@sinclairoil.com; gray@math.umn.edu; tholst@feldinc.com; mccab003@umn.edu; shadley@email.utcourts.gov; yummytork@hotmail.com; rgsajohnson@peoplepc.com; weg@cbsnews.com; mfedo@comcast.net; nathandraper@gmail.com; robert.strong@wartburg.edu
Subject: timerick
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:47:58 +0000

THE STORY OF SKIPPY
THE HAPPY LITTLE GUN
 
Skippy was a little gun made out of blue steel parts,
crafted by brave artisans with patriotic hearts.
They polished him until he shone and oiled him mighty fine,
then sold him with nine-hundred more from some assembly-line.
Nestled in a bright glass case our Skippy glowed with pride;
he knew that soon he would go out and see the world so wide!
A gentleman came in the shop where Skippy took his ease.
The gentleman talked to himself and scratched like he had fleas.
Blinking uncontrollably, he pointed Skippy out
and asked how much he cost to buy in a husky shout.
The gun dealer took Skippy out and said "Now let me see . . ."
"When you buy his little gem you get the bullets free!"
The gentleman put money down and made a grab for Skippy.
The dealer asked: "You aren't by chance any sort of hippie?"
The gentleman said he was not; he needed some protection
from Martians, werewolves, zombie girls, and police detection.
"Very good" the dealer said, 'Just sign your name right here."
"Your permit will come in the mail" he finished with a leer.
So Skippy got a brand-new home inside a pocket deep
and he was so excited that he found it hard to sleep!
His owner took him to a bank and came out very rich,
then on his way to Mexico threw Skippy in a ditch!
Poor Skippy landed in the mud and thought his heart would bust;
He might have started crying but knew that would lead to rust.
Some teenagers picked Skippy up to even out a score.
This led to Skippy having fun with playing at gang war.
But one of those teenagers heard that cops were paying cash
for turning in their guns and so he did it in a flash.
Skippy was dissected and his parts went near and far;
dumped into a furnace they became a metal bar
which sold off to the Chinese, who bought shipments by the ton,
to be melted, molded, and exported as another gun.
So you see that Skippy cannot be destroyed for long;
not when anyone can buy him for a simple song!
 

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gas tax

 

In Minnesota long ago a governor held sway.

He liked to make the people smile, so kept tax hikes away.

Rusty bridges, bumpy roads and rural desolation

Didn't bother him at all; they helped keep down inflation.

But legislators in his state felt they ought to holler,

Asking for authority to whittle every dollar.

Like children in a candy shop their wish list was quite big.

What their governor might say they didn't care a fig.

So drawing up a bill one day they raised the tax on gas.

The governor took one shocked look and vowed: this shall not pass!

Flourishing his trusty pen the governor did veto.

He did it like an emperor; maybe Hirohito.

But legislators can't be cowed by just a thin pen stroke.

Regrouping, they charged back again to overturn his joke.

Not only did they vote a tax upon all gasoline

They put a tax on everything from glue to coffee bean.

The money started pouring in, so the legislature

Did give themselves a hefty raise – that is just their nature.

But roads were paved and bridges fixed – everyone  did give dear,

Until the people cried that they can't afford to live here.

Now everyone has left the state; the governor is stuck

With legislators who still think that they can pass the buck!

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old tyrants

OLD TYRANTS

 

 

Do old tyrants just fade away

To fish on Guantanamo Bay?

How do they suppress

Their people's distress

And live off their 401(K)'s?

 

I doubt if old Castro can sleep;

His conscience at night must sure creep.

So innocent creaks

And rainy night leaks

Should cause him from bed quick to leap.

 

Of course if the cagey old coot

Has stashed away plenty of loot

He has bodyguards

Who sit and play cards

Until Castro give 'em a toot.

 

Maybe the CIA now

Will stop having cow after cow

Trying to figure

Who pulls the trigger

To put some lead into his brow.

 

Is someone of such infamy

Allowed to join AARP?

His country in ruins

So now he eats prunes

And watches game shows on TV.

 

Yet maybe before Castro dies

He'll get a nice Nobel Peace Prize.

No more bogeyman,

In Stockholm a fan

could spread enough money and lies.

 

So dictators, take a few notes

On Castro – a man with no votes –

Who ruled forty years

Destroyed all his peers

And now in retirement gloats.

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the doctor said

 

 

I went to the doctor.

The doctor said:

Without healthcare you're as good as dead.

Don't come back to bother me

Unless you can pay a hefty fee.

 

I went to the healthcare.

The healthcare sneered:

For your type we are not geared.

Get a job that covers you

When you turn all black and blue.

 

I went to my bossman.

The bossman yelped:

Sorry pal, it can't be helped.

Coverage has gone sky-high.

See your congressman and cry.

 

I went to the congress.

The congress sighed:

Healthcare is an ebbing tide.

No one wants to foot the bill.

See the Prez if you are ill.

 

I went to the Big Cheese.

The Big Cheese says:

Even though I may be Prez

We have got to fight a war –

See a priest if you are poor.

 

I went to the priestman.

The priestman prayed:

Lord, heal this sinner who has strayed!

Give him food and modest shelter.

His story is some heart-melter.

 

I went to the river.

The river purred:

Jump on in and you'll be cured.

Once you're in my cold embrace

No more problems will you face.

 

I went to the devil.

The devil laughed:

My dear sir, you got the shaft.

Down here healthcare is quite free.

But your pain lasts eternally.

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ground beef grief

GROUND BEEF GRIEF

 

Hindus have the right idear,

Never killing any steer

So they don't have tainted beef.

Our country is dumb and deef

When it comes to slaughter plants

Where the cows get awful rance,

Pushed into those awful shredders

By men who are not their betters.

Ground into a bloody pulp –

Who among us is not culp

Of cruelty and wickedness;

No wonder there's much sickedness?

No amount of tears will comp

That hamburger on which you chomp!

Total recall is required –

No more b.s. thickly liared!

Would that we could all be vegans,

Instead of carnivorous Fagins.

Plants cannot be traumatized

And we'd be Dali Lamatized!

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Kosovo

KOSOVO

 

Even those most in the know

Wonder: where is Kosovo?

Somewhere by the Adriatic.

Borders seem to be erratic.

(They settle things by automatic.)

South of Belgrade, mostly Muslim.

National language?  That does puzzle 'em.

Serbs and Turks once fought a battle

In a field that now holds cattle.

Their main export seems to be

Albanians in quantity.

These are folks who do not click

With Slobadan Milosevic.

He's the fellow who made 'Serb'

Into a cold and killing verb.

When the U.N. troops depart

Anarchy is sure to start.

Infrastructure is a wreck;

Even crows don't come to peck.

Russia then will step right in,

Claiming they're Slavonic kin.

Will the U.S. intervene?

In the spring . . . does grass turn green?

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super delegate

THE SUPER DELEGATE

 

A bird?  A plane?  An apple crate?

No!  It's Super Delegate!

Faster than a speeding truck.

Louder than a quacking duck.

The Democrats are out of luck

With their Super Delegate.

 

Free from any earthly bounds.

They can gain a couple pounds,

No one says a thing – and zounds!

They're still a Super Delegate.

 

Celebrated in folklore.

Greeted with a rousing roar.

Immune to bribes, but keeping score.

That's a Super Delegate.

 

Clinton and Obama know

If they wish to not eat crow

They've got a job that reeks of snow

To please that Super Delegate.

 

Republicans sit back and snicker.

This is more fun than scotch liquor,

Watching Democrats all bicker

Over Super Delegates.

 

Mountains sink into the sea.

Jews may say the rosary.

But nothing changes their duty –

Faithful Super Delegates.

 

They will vote as they see fit.

Like John Wayne they're full of grit.

Pompous as an Oxford Brit –

Noble Super Delegate.

 

So vote for anyone you want—

Barney Fife or John of Gaunt –

You'll be answered with the taunt:

It's up to Super Delegate!

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peace

FIRST IN WAR, FIRST IN PEACE –

AT LEAST UNTIL HE'S LOST THE LEASE.

 

Bush makes peace like he makes war;

When he's done we all are sore.

Middle East or Afric shore;

He thinks it's a Walmart store.

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earmarks

THE CLEAR MARKS OF EARMARKS

 

Shooting earmarks to his friends with power like Big Bertha

In the halls of Congress stands the mighty John P. Murtha.

This Pennsylvania Democrat no stone unturned will leave

To follow that old Bible verse: "To ask – and then receive."

 

Earmarks in the millions he will pass into our laws.

Appropriations are to him as toys to Santa Claus.

He will never leave unheard a lobbyist's request

If their pockets jingle loud and they come in well-dressed.

 

Have a farm that needs a cow? A factory a boost?

A bridge in need of toll booth, hoboes a safer roost?

If it's in his district then good Murtha will come through.

He will get pet projects paid with pennies not a few.

 

Where's the money coming from for all these costly sprockets?

Out of something bottomless – our own ragged pockets.

 

Some there are in Congress who don't like to play this game;

They think using earmarks is a fraud and crying shame.

Timid souls, they do not know about the birds and bees;

That Congress is the only place where money grows on trees!

 

Murtha knows that earmarks are what keeps our country rich;

Or at least will put us all into the same deep ditch.

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this I believe

THIS I BELIEVE!

 

The less I know the more I see

A huge world-wide conspiracy.

Crazy theory preached with passion

I do find to be in fashion.

Our dollar bill is full of links

To terrorists and other finks;

The symbols printed in bright green

Decoded say "go drink benzene".

Did you know our Constitution

Says all taxes we are to shun?

The Feds won't mind if you don't pay;

They have no power anyway!

As far as OPEC is concerned

I've found how all their profit's earned;

That black oil that they ding us for

Is made from thrown out apple core.

And global warming is a crock

That Al Gore made up to sell stock;

His wind turbines are such a gyp –

Like ethanol and buggy whip.

The U.N. sure is power-mad.

The World Bank is a sugar dad.

The moon walk never did take place

And Elvis wrote 'Amazing Grace'.

I know all this is true because

It makes my brain both fizz and buzz;

I know I cannot be mistook;

I read it in a comic book!

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more nursery rhymes for modern times

MORE NURSERY RHYMES FOR MODERN TIMES

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To post a letter first-class.

They found the price had risen twice

So now they use their email.

 

This little piggy went on welfare.

This little piggy lost his home.

This little piggy had some issues.

This little piggy had a gun.

And that little piggy was a bad little piggy.

He ran Bang Bang Bang all the way home.

 

Little Miss Muffet

Went to the buffet,

Eating transfatty oils.

She had a fried spider

Which went off inside her.

She's now in a nursing home.

 

Old King Cole

Saw the exit poll.

The exit poll saw he.

It was not complete

But since he was beat

He fired his fiddlers three.

 

Jack be nimble.

Jack be sick.

No insurance – he's up a crick!

 

 

Wee Willie Winkie

Ran through the town.

Steroids and pills turned

His muscles brown.

He knocked at the door

Of his pharmacist

And told him his toes

Had turned into a fist.

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now that's quick!

QUICK

 

No one ever disappeared

Quicker than Mitt Romney.

Quicker than a hog can eat

A bucket of white hominy.

 

Quicker than the fleeting beat

Of bees upon the wing.

Quicker than a heart attack

At any Burger King.

 

Quicker than a lightning bolt

Upon the summer sky.

Quicker than blue collar jobs

Are going all bye-bye.

 

Quicker than a cheetah's pace

Out on the dry savannah.

Quicker than the lifespan of

Gay cowboys in Montana.

 

Quicker than a Mormon

Would refuse a cigarette,

Or decide the odds were

Not in favor of his bet.

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sour grapes

SOUR GRAPES

 

Grammys and Oscars and other awards

Made and exchanged by high ladies and lords.

(with heads that rattle like dry empty gourds.)

 

where would we be without tinsel charades?

Where would we be without stars in their shades?

(and if their Botox all withers and fades?)

 

mobs in old Rome had their circus and bread.

We have Doc Phil who will mess with your head.

(good sense tastes better if first it is shred.)

 

Life cannot give you much glamour and glitz.

Oprah will get you a night at the Ritz.

(before you go back to your fatback and grits.)

 

Read all the books that they tell you to read.

And to their politics please give strict heed.

(Disregard anything like corporate greed.)

 

Line up for prizes on any game show.

American Idol will sure let you crow.

(Who says you can't life entirely faux?)

 

Why do I mock all celebrity puff?

It is because I'm against all their fluff!

(And The New Yorker will not print my stuff.)

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mary

       NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES

 

Mary had a little meth

And then she had some more.

After all her teeth fell out

She robbed a liquor store.

 

She followed up with homicide,

Which was against the rules.

Now Mary sits inside a jail

And on her jumpsuit drools.

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