Medical Emergency

---

 
The crisis now in medicine
is clear for all to see;
the doctors don't get pens and mugs
from companies for free!
How can they drink their coffee up
if Lipitor reneges --
or write up their prescriptions
on caffeine-deprived legs?
What if the patient must say "Ah"
and Zoloft gets so tight
they won't provide the doctor with
a single cheap penlight?
Who would have thought in palmy days
that companies like Pfizer
would turn around so suddenly
and become a miser?
But hopefully the medicos
will meet this dreadful crunch
with confidence and fortitude
when Merck takes them to lunch.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

Minnesota Ice

---

Minnesota may be nice
but we've got a lot of ice
on the roads this time of year;
accidents are in high gear.
Sliding through the old stop sign
makes for an adventure fine.
Salt and sand are laid on thick,
still the roads stay mighty slick
(tire chains would do the trick!)
Off to work?  You'll have to skate.
You'll save gas and lose some weight!
 
Tim Torkildson
St Anthony  MN

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

Artificial

---

Everything is artificial
in this world today;
sweeteners and butter
and the perfume that we spray.
If it's real it's fattening
or hurtful or expensive --
makes a fella moody
and a little bit defensive.
Wish I had a dollar
every time I bought some fake
eggs and cheap vanilla
in my Twinkie or cupcake.
Those chemicals are lodging
in my body and my hair,
and soon I will be show-cased
at somebody's science fair.
These substitutions bother me;
I think it is pathetic
that all the world aspires to
existence so synthetic.

---

Life on your PC is safer, easier, and more enjoyable with Windows Vista®. See how

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

Focused on the Locust

---

The locust has no manners
and it needs no invitation;
it settles down to dinner
with no thought of moderation.
Everything is fodder
for its greedy appetite,
from the buttons on your jacket
to the string that flies your kite.
Their numbers are enormous
and counting them is vain
as standing in a cloudburst
keeping track of drops of rain.
Nothing known can stop them;
even clouds of DDT
are just an appetizer
for their masticating spree.
I don't know what their purpose is
upon our planet fair.
In that they're like an in-law,
leaving all behind them bare.
I'd rather have the locust swarm
than in-laws any day.
At least the locust will pass on,
while in-laws just might stay!

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

Dancing

---

I never learned to dance -- so what?
It's just a social skill.
All that movement is a joke;
I'd much rather stand still.
My sense of rhythm is superb;
I'm light upon my feet.
But I don't care to spend my time
sashaying to some beat.
I like music -- sure I do!
You can't call me a prude.
But no Beer Barrel Polka puts
me in the dancing mood.
My conversation is genteel,
my manners are exquisite;
I know enough to change my socks
when I go on a visit.
Dancing is a waste of time --
I've better ways to mingle.
Although, in retrospect, perhaps
that's why I am still single.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

Life on your PC is safer, easier, and more enjoyable with Windows Vista®. See how

The Light Bulb & the Battery

---

The light bulb and the battery
are things I need but never see.
I know I've bought some recently,
but where they've gone's a mystery.
The kitchen drawer yields up to me
some string, toothpicks, and cutlery;
the porch is checked out stoically --
there isn't room to hide a flea.
And my garage is futilely
ransacked unto the nth degree.
So in the basement frantically
I search up high, on bended knee,
but come up with a nullity
of light bulbs and the battery.
Oh, somewhere in this fine country
exists a home, confusion-free,
where dwells a happy family
who's organized so thoroughly
that they could find a single pea
if under mattress or TV.
I wish them all felicity
as my house grows more slippery.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Free Calendars

---

Things are tough, of that I'm sure;
I haven't got a calendar.
Normally by end of year
I've got them coming out the ear.
Everybody gives me one --
insurance agents by the ton.
This year it has been so hard
they haven't sent a Christmas card.
Of course now that I'm unemployed
my interest in the weeks is void.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

My Bedroom Slippers

---

My bedroom slippers go way back;
they're scruffy and threadbare.
Everyone who sees them says:
You need a brand new pair!
But I am not inclined to bid
these old friends an adieu;
we saw in Reaganomics
and loved Captain Kangaroo.
At home they always greet me
and caress each weary toe,
and keep my tootsies toasty
when the drafty breezes blow.
They're comfortable, dependable,
expecting nothing great . . .
and best of all they never try
to keep me up too late!

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Gift Wrapping

---

The longer that you take to wrap
a present for a child,
the less time it will take them
to rip open it like wild.
We are like that greedy child
who never stops to savor
all the pretty things in life
that God grants as a favor.
Instead we rip and tear apart
sweet beauty in our haste
to get at what we think is ours,
and never mind the waste.
Tear off all the wrapping
and the world's an ugly place.
Better to leave some intact
and wonder in good grace.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

The Impound Lot

---

I work down at the impound lot;
it calls for guts and daring.
I pride myself on attitude;
my idol's Hermann Goering.
I love to help the people who
redeem their ancient wrecks
by cheerfully reminding them
we won't accept their checks.
When the temp falls well below
the zero mark, I cheer,
and make the people wait outdoors
for nearly half a year.
I keep no pen or paper 'round
for all these suffering folk.
There is no lavatory
and the pop machine is broke.
The work sure is exhausting
and I need a coffee break
every forty minutes
or I might not stay awake.
I know some people hate me,
tho' I cannot figure why --
I dole out simple justice
(and depression on the sly).
Don't try being rude with me --
your effort goes for naught
because I'll tell you that your car
is at another lot.
My job is so important
to the city and the nation --
helping people use much more
of public transportation!

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

FW: from tim torkildson

---

The hill was rather timid
as hills would go these days,
but sliding down it as a boy
'twas like a snowy maze.
Our sleds were nothing fancy,
what'er we could afford.
You could get an awesome ride
on flaps of loose cardboard.
Of course we were in snow pants
with woolen mittens, too.
And with a ski mask pulled too tight
we passed for Mr. Magoo.
Somehow the day was brighter,
our laughter sweetly sprung,
the wind a crystal curtain,
when we were oh so young!
A gentle push would send you
down the winding slope,
dodging elm trees on the way --
as least that's what you'd hope.
A patch or two of bare ground
was always lurking near.
It would shred your cardboard up,
and possibly your rear.
Half way down this slalom
we'd often lose our sled,
and bounce and roll to bottom
on hands and knees and head.
A scrape, a couple bruises,
were part of the routine.
Yes, it was tough to be a boy,
but it was never mean.
The sun at the horizon,
orange fading fast,
meant that we were homeward bound,
for Ovaltine at last.
Do kids still go out sledding?
I think that all the hills
have been fenced off forever,
preventing untoward spills.
And cardboard is recycled;
to China it is sent.
My memories are foolish
and I am old and bent.
 

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Roller Derby

---

Now I think girls should have some fun
but roller derby's overdone;
they gouge and kick and scream out loud,
which panders to the all-male crowd.
They've more tattoos than Popeye had.
They think themselves real tough and bad.
C'mon, girls, drop the acting please;
respect won't come from all that sleaze.
I'll like you for just who you are --
no need to hanker for a scar.
Hard living will not make you grow,
it only leads down to Skid Row.
My homily's about kaput:
Remember when you play with soot
it won't come off so easily
when you need a good pedigree.

---

Life on your PC is safer, easier, and more enjoyable with Windows Vista®. See how

---

It's the same Hotmail®. If by "same" you mean up to 70% faster. Get your account now.

Those Cut Ups

---

I went in for a transplant
cuz my ticker had gone bust --
the surgeon found my kidneys
had begun to show some rust.
Deciding to replace a lung,
the medics also tossed
my liver and intestines
for a very modest cost.
They chopped up my appendix
and they also docked my ears
(Those guys get so ambitious
when they're playing 'round with shears!)
They gutted me so cleanly
I was merely one more sack
that needed filling quickly,
so they started in to pack . . .
Now I'm full of organs
that are gently used, at best.
I am not myself these days;
I feel more like a guest.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

If the Shoe Fits, Throw it!

---

A foot in his mouth,
what need of a shoe
when thrown in Iraq --
what good does it do?
It may be size ten
and leather so fine;
it won't change a thing
in policy line.
Next time that you throw
try heaving some sense
at that Texas head,
so blank and immense.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

The Cranberry

---

Notice how the cranberry
is everywhere today?
You drink its juice for breakfast
and put dried ones in souffle.
It won't be long before they claim
cranberries will reduce
your weight or maybe help you
in the bedroom get real loose.
How I long for olden times
when it was poultry relish
and not this super duper fruit
that TV ads embellish.
I wonder what they'll dress up next
with banner and balloons?
With modern demographics
I should think it would be prunes.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Recycle This!

---

The best way to recycle
is to use a little kid --
who turns a box to cavern
and old twine into a squid.
They will not charge you money
and when they are through with play
the article in question
will have mostly worn away.
With their imagination
and hands never at the still,
no need to ever worry
about using a landfill.
Don't give your child a present
that you've seen on your TV;
give them a plastic milk jug
to destroy creatively.
Earth would be a greener place,
pollution would diminish,
if we gave our trash away
for little kids to finish.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Terror from the Closet

---

Everybody's got one
skulking in their closet dark,
waiting to spring out at you
to cause a terror stark.
Silent as a viper
and more clinging than a vine,
once it's wrapped around you
your fortunes will decline.
Shapeless and so garish
that it hurts the modest eye;
a fiendish combination
that will make the heavens cry.
People who might meet you
walking down a city street
will shake their heads in sorrow
at unraveling defeat.
What's the foul affliction
I refer to in this rhyme?
That sweater from your children
that you got last Christmas time!

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

Ice Fishing

---

Now icefishing's a hobby
I will never undertake.
You either must be crazy
or a nature-loving fake.
Sitting 'round a frozen hole
and waiting for a strike
isn't how I want to stalk
the wily Northern pike.
How the perch are laughing
at fanatics turning blue,
freezing off their heinies
while their blood congeals to glue.
Even with a fish house
where the cold abates a fraction
I cannot see anything
that makes it an attraction.
So don't ask me to go out
where the arctic wind don't cease;
but if you get a lucky strike
I'll gladly take a piece.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Automated Telemarketing

---

The automated phone call
from some telemarketer
has crossed the line of reason --
'tis more than I'll endure.
I'm tracking down these villains
whose recorded message plays
on my phone unprompted
while my temper is ablaze.
When I find them, mercy
is the last thing they will get;
I'll muzzle them and take them
to be neutered by a vet,
and then I'll make them listen
to their own recorded swill
'till hell is freezing over
and the devil has a chill.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Fourth Grade

---

Fourth grade science never was
a subject I was good at.
It was something, if displayed,
I gladly would throw wood at.
Math was also rather flat
and always uninviting.
Recess I excelled at --
'twas always so exciting!
I was just a normal kid
who didn't pay attention --
daydreaming of monsters from
some Martian fourth dimension.
Any tests we ever had
were pretty doggone easy --
such as "Name the other dwarfs
with Dopey, Doc, and Sneezy."
But today fourth graders must
be smarter than Sir Newton;
they take tests on everything
from string theory to gluten.
Keeping straight the difference 'tween
a black hole and a pulsar
I think gives those little kids
the makings of an ulcer.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

The Christmas Family Newsletter

---

From: tork49@hotmail.com
To: dkelly@pioneerpress.com
Subject: from tim torkildson
Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:27:30 +0000

Newsletters at Christmas
are traditional, I hear.
Most are very boring
and moronic, I do fear:
"Uncle Jim has glanders,
little Timmy ate a snake.
Suzie ran away to sea,
mom's jewelry is fake.
Our new car has leather seats
and runs on ethanol.
Junior works at Disneyland
and plays a Barbie doll.
Bob got a promotion
and will soon be out of jail.
Timmy ate another snake
and followed with a snail.
Grandma baked a ham so big
it fell right through the floor.
The basement flooded out again,
we blame it on Al Gore.
Cousin John won second place
at polo in Brazil.
The secret to plutonium
is add a little dill.
Our Tiffany is just so cute
when she stands on her head.
We're very sorry to report
that Gabby Hayes is dead.
We hope this letter finds you
with good health, and money,too.
Since we plan to visit soon
to borrow some from you!"

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Our Daily Bread

---

Life is very hectic
and we live at such a pace
that no one pauses anymore
at table to say grace.
A moment stolen from the crush
and worry of great haste
would give the simplest of repasts
a very tempting taste.
We do not count our blessings
but our calories instead.
And cringe at all the carbs contained
within our daily bread.
It seems we have to make
of every morsel at a meal
a wearying and calculated
balancing ordeal.
How much simpler would it be
to start each meal with thanks,
then plow into some goulash
or a bowl of beans and franks.
When God is at our table
he'll turn water into wine,
and forgive our trespasses
with butter and with brine.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

---

Help yourself and God will add
his own celestial aid;
those who mope and sit around
will never make the grade.
Of course if you should help yourself
to stuff that isn't yours,
you'll likely hear the merry clink
of many jailhouse doors.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Great Art Speaks Today

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Eggs

---

Which came first, the chicken
or the egg -- I do not know.
What is certain is that eggs
are costing much more dough.
When you buy a carton now
the price is nearly double
what it was two years ago --
and that spells lots of trouble.
Trouble for the baker
and the cafe on the corner;
trouble for the homemaker,
who seems to be chief mourner.
Finger-pointing for the cause
is like a carousel --
everyone's to blame
and yet are innocent as well.
The goose who laid the golden egg
is not a fairy tale --
now when by the dozen
they bleed pocketbooks quite pale.
I have the solution,
so I will not moan and grown;
I shall simply hunker down
and start to lay my own!

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Picture Gallery

---

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

The Nursing Home

---

Be it ever so humble,
wher'er you may roam,
when you're sick and you're old,
you must play "Nursing Home".
Your sons and your daughters
have no place to stash
an elderly nuisance
without lots of cash.
So you go to a place
that smells deep of Lysol,
where the staff's barely trained
and they don't care at all.
And if your mind's weak
and your body is frail
you're treated much worse
than a convict in jail.
You're tied to a wheelchair
or maybe a bed.
They don't change your diaper --
let's pray you get fed.
And if the staff's lively
and in a good mood,
they may play some jokes
in the dark that are lewd.
So when I grow senile
it's my only wish
to be dropped overboard
to be food for the fish.
 
Tim Torkildson
St Anthony  MN

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Internet Security

---

Internet security
is broken past repair.
Cybercrooks can get you
with their overseas malware.
Open up a window
from a source you do not know,
suddenly your PC
gets an eerie zombie glow.
Botnets are attacking
with their worms and tons of spam;
the world wide web is rotten,
overripe for any scam.
Luddites had the right idea;
I'll follow their example.
I will take myself offline,
my monitor I'll trample.
I'll go back mailing letters,
conduct business by phone call.
So harness up my buggy
and hand me down my old plaid shawl!

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Zimbabwe

---

Free gravesites in Zimbabwe
for the victims of disease;
a dainty way the widows
and the orphans all to please.
Raw sewage runs in rivers
past the mansion and the hut.
You better not drink water
or fall down and get a cut.
The infrastructure disappeared
inside Mugabe's gate.
What makes us think the USA
can't have the same dim fate?

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

The Movie Usher

---

Here's a job that don't exist
since many years ago --
the usher who would pamper you
at every movie show.
This brave young man, he plowed the dark
with only one flashlight,
in his pillbox cap, and coat
of many buttons bright.
He took your ticket, guided you
right to your numbered seat,
dusted off the popcorn
and made sure that it was neat.
He kept a wary eye out
for the deadheads without ticket,
and the fiends with cigarette --
he told them where to flick it.
No one now to guide your steps,
to tell the talkers: "Cease!"
You could slip and break your neck
alone on popcorn grease.
The usher at the movie show;
he kept the crowds quite docile.
The fact that I remember him
makes me an aged fossil.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Cargill

---

Somewhere off in India
a hungry child succumbs
to a life, or living death,
of fighting dogs for crumbs.
In Cargill's ritzy offices
a dividend is born
from bursting fields around the globe
of wheat and soy and corn.
In subSahara Africa
a family scratches ground
devoid of every nutriet,
too weak to make a sound.
If you have the money Cargill
phosphates will deliver,
enough so you can fertilize
then dump some in the river.
Rain forests are vanishing
down to the last lush leaf,
making way for pigs and goats
and lots of marbled beef.
So Cargill fattens livestock
and will bring it to our door,
as we read of famine
in some place they call Darfur.
Abundance and bleak scarcity
existing side by side --
And Cargill sends a splendid card
to wish us good Yuletide.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Grape Jam

---

Explaining our economy
you'd need a diagram
that looks like monkeys walking
through a jar of spilled grape jam.
The squiggles there would represent
the monetary loop;
these hash marks are debentures
and that there is monkey poop.
The Dow Jones average would appear
like jam thrown on a wall --
the bond market would be a smear
where some dumb ape did crawl.
And if the whole thing looks insane
and makes you pretty cranky,
help yourself to all that jam
to throw at Ben Bernanke.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

The Sears Roebuck Catalogue

---

Sears Roebuck had a catalogue
they sent out in December.
Memory plays tricks on me
but THAT I do remember.
To gaze upon its pages now
you never could have guessed
the kind of hope and ecstasy
its photographs expressed.
With toys and games and chocolate drops
and sleds and pop-up books,
ping pong tables, dinosaurs,
fine rods and reels and hooks.
A wonderland it was to me
though I knew all the time
the folks would do their shopping
only at the Five & Dime.
But every boy should have his dreams,
no matter how remote,
to help him push away the clouds
and over mountains float.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Candles

---

What's the deal with candles?
Everybody keeps a few
in a kitchen cabinet
in case a storm blows through.
But -- hoo boy! -- take a look today
around the old home place
and you'll find one everywhere
twinkling in your face.
The living room is loaded
with 'em stinking up the air
in barberry and citron
and vanilla or green pear.
The bathroom's got one burning
and the dining room's ablaze;
in their little glasses
they produce a perfumed haze.
The reason for this nuisance
is that we are slowly drifting
towards a nation of such sloth
that candles we are gifting.
Birthday, anniversary,
or some romantic joy --
people giving candles
are a common, lazy ploy.
Try and give me candles
as and gift and you will find
how it feels when beeswax
is crammed up your cheap behind!

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

Al Franken

---

There was an old comic named Franken
who wanted to reach Senate rankin'.
He did not talk soft.
Big schtick held aloft,
on voter fraud he now is bankin'.
 

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail« account.

---

Send e-mail faster without improving your typing skills. Get your Hotmail® account.

The Coaster

---

The coaster is a social grace
I never learned to try out,
and so my tables all have rings
that never really dry out.
And when I put a glass down
it does stick as smooth as silk;
that means I've done no crying
over spilling of the milk.
In fact the glasses stick so well
that now I am a-startin'
to forgo all that folderol
and drink straight from the carton.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

Our Ally

---

Pakistan breeds terrorists
like dogs develop fleas --
seems there's always room to grow
a few more Jihadees.
Government is negligent
and doesn't seem to care
if their young men fool with guns
or blow up in the air.
Guess there's not a lot to do
in dirt-poor Pakistan;
if cholera don't kill you
then the politics sure can.
The farmers and small merchants
cannot make an honest buck;
the Army gets the money.
Everybody else?  Tough luck!
So why not be a terrorist?
At least the pay is sure --
you get to go to Paradise
and play with virgins pure.
With Pakistan our ally
we have very little hope
of getting off the treacherous
and deadly slippery slope.

---

Suspicious message? There's an alert for that. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

Big Fat Magazines

---

Magazines grow thicker
with each issue that I get;
with "Special Advertising
Sections", to my sore regret.
Once there was an elegant
and oh so svelte New Yorker;
now it's padded out into
a coarse and bloated porker.
I never read that garbage,
the page numbers it confounds
so the article I've started
suddenly is out of bounds.
It is not upon the back page
nor the pages inbetween.
Subscription cards are all I find;
their number is obscene.
Like baseball, magazines should be
encouraged to detect
all bulking-up material,
which they will then eject.
Maybe then I can complete
an article I've started
instead of playing Moses
 with the sea of ads I've parted.

---

Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.

---

You live life online. So we put Windows on the web. Learn more about Windows Live

Black Friday

---

A man died on Long Island
and his name was hard to say;
an accident you'd call it,
since he just got in the way
of shoppers on the rampage
when the day was at its start.
Trampled underfoot, he died,
while temping for Walmart.
Heads are shaking everywhere
but no one stops their shopping,
not as long are prices are
continually dropping.
The man died for consumers,
so we ought to take a pause
to think of his blood sacrifice
for dear old Santa Claus.

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

Peyton Place

---

Remember back when "Peyton Place"
created such a stir?
The censors tried to banish it.
The preachers cried "Impure!"
Everyone its contents
did abjure and then deride
(while keeping it in paperback
discretely at bedside.)
Since then our moral standards
have receded quite a bit.
Today adults don't read it
cuz it's strictly Children's Lit.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

Season's Greetings

---

I'll be home for Christmas;
I can't afford to go
anywhere that's warmer
and lacks a foot of snow.
The radio is blaring
those shop-worn Xmas tunes,
shriveling my goodwill
into a heap of prunes.
I'm getting awful tired
of all those silver bells,
crooning about sleigh rides
my ear drums greatly swells.
Rudolph, take your red nose
and stick it you-know-where;
Frosty, I've a blow torch
to part your snowy hair.
Yodeling of Santa
won't make me a good boy,
not when it's repeated
in volumes that annoy.
Elvis singing carols
is not much of a treat;
I am now allergic
to the Nutcracker Suite.
Christmas would be better,
the Season would be bright,
if we had less clamor
and much more Silent Night.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

The Fruitcake

---

Fruitcakes are a marvel
of the baker's mystic art;
full of so much candied fruit,
they never fall apart.
Instead they harden with the years
into a solid brick
that no one ever slices;
all you do is take a lick.
They're passed down in a family
like some damaged DNA --
a dirty little secret
on this happy Holiday.
Should ever you recieve one
do not panic but be quick
to soak it in hard liquor
and insert a candle wick.
Then put it in the attic
'til the next Fourth of July,
when carefully you light it
and bright fireworks let fly.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

Saving Spree

---

Black Friday when you're shopping
remember that the stores
have even fewer scruples
than cruising back-street whores.
For every sale they offer,
for every Red Tag price,
you're paying at the double
or maybe even thrice.
They'll say returns are easy
if you're not satisfied.
If you believe their twaddle,
your brains are fluffed & dried.
So stay home, watching football,
or grab a DVD.
Surprise yourself by going
on a saving spree.
 

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

The More Things Change . . .

---

Take another loan out.
Get another credit card.
The Feds will reassure you
that it isn't very hard.
They're bailing out the banks
that want you staying deep in debt.
The thought of thrift or savings
is viewed as financial threat.
Debtors make good citizens,
so spend more than you earn . . .
doesn't that sound like a tale
composed by old Jules Verne?

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

Spike Jones

---

There used to be Bing Crosby,
Perry Como, and their clones.
But if you wanted song unique
you had to hear Spike Jones.
A hepcat with a chainsaw,
he would mow down the Top Ten,
then play a set of 'Chopsticks'
on the chimes of staid Big Ben.
His trombones squirted water
and his french horns were kazoos.
And what he did to classics
made Stokowski blow a fuse!
He took each note and twisted
it into a pretzel shape.
He took all stuffy music
and did crush it like a grape.
This maniac did flourish
when the zoot suit was in style;
the generation after
was reduced to Gomer Pyle.
So when the grandkids tease you
for your lack of comic view,
just sit back and remember
you had Spike's "Cocktails for Two".

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

Nantucket

---

"Nantucket", when used in a verse,
will always draw snickers, or worse --
the obvious mind
does think it's a kind
of prelude for some horrid curse.

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

Obama's Got a Job for Me!

---

Obama's got a job for me!
He said so yesterday.
It comes with many benefits
and lots of crisp green pay.
The healthcare is completely free.
No boss will be in sight.
My meals are all provided,
even pizza late at night.
The hours will be flexible,
no weekends are required.
I can take vacations, paid,
whnever I am tired.
I don't know what my job involves;
perhaps some supervising.
Or maybe I'l just jet around,
the corporate world advising.
Obama's got a job for me,
as sure as God made Slackers --
possibly I'll be the coach
of the Green Bay Packers!

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

Only in the Movies

---

In movies you can always park
wherever fancy takes you;
in real life when you park amiss
the traffic court sure rakes you.
The fines grow steeper every year,
there seems to be no topper
until they have reduced you to
the status of a pauper.
The downtown curbs are jammed with cars
immobile as a boulder;
parking lots will only give
out with the same cold shoulder.
And if somehow you find a spot
through luck and chance too strange,
the meter grins at you because
you haven't any change.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

Reflections on a Fishbowl

---

A goldfish in a bowl
will rarely have a goal.
It's room and board is set.
Fears nothing but a net.
No clothing does it need.
It follows no known creed.
In politics is bland;
will always vote for sand.
Cannot be made to see
its part in history.
Prefers to drift along,
no thought of right or wrong.
Won't even have a name,
rejects all earthly fame.
And on its final wave,
the toilet is its grave.
A voiceless glint of light
for pleasure in our sight.
I wonder if we too
are put on cosmic view.
Oh wouldn't it be droll
if Earth were a fishbowl!

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

Cabinet of Rivals

---

I wonder if Obama
has a clue about his fate
if he appoints old Hillary
to run affairs of State?
She might declare a war or two
behind his skinny back
and send in the Marines
upon excuses pretty slack.
He husband at State dinners
will undoubtedly inflame
passions of resentment
as he ogles every dame.
Lincoln had his cabinet
of rivals, it is true --
but they knew he could whup 'em
anytime all black & blue!

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

What Lasts Forever

---

When the earth shall wear away
and time itself shall stop,
when cities crumble in decay
and every mountain top
is leveled with the shifting sands
and life survives in nooks --
somewhere still will be a stack
of Reader's Digest Condensed Books.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

Keys

---

I used to have a pocket
full of awkward metal keys.
They poked me in odd places
and produced strange melodies.
They bulged and ripped the fabric
of my trousers all the time,
so spare change poured out of me,
every nickel, penny, dime!
And if I dumped them in a bowl
or handy dresser drawer
I'd forget where I had put them
and go searching evermore.
Now everything's 'lectronic
and you have to know the code;
which means I can't remember
how to get in my abode!

---

Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail. Sign up today.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

Kleenex

---

The kleenex is a mighty sheet,
cuz when you go "kerchoo!"
it hides your germs and snot away
so none of it I view.
And then you toss it daintily
into a trash container;
even college students should
see that is a no-brainer.
Some folks prefer to use TP
but I think that is crass;
because, my dear, that is the stuff
you use to wipe your ass.
Still others wipe upon their sleeve
or hawk and spit away;
concertos on their sinuses
I sure would like to play.
Of course, there is the handkerchief,
that lamest Christmas gift;
it's nothing but a booger vault-
let's make 'em all go "pffft!"
Yes, kleenex is the only thing
to quell a winter sneeze,
but if you use the same one twice
don't shake hands with me -- Please!

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

Hand Lotion

---

In wintertime my skin does crack;
essential moisture it does lack.
And so I put goo on my hands
to make them soft as rubber bands,
or rubber binders, take your pick;
the upshot is my hands are slick
and smell of lavender and mint
and pick up lots of dust and lint,
which makes me rub them on my shirt.
(I'm glad that plaid does not show dirt.)
And when I try the pickle jar
my slippery digits don't get far.
Am I to starve 'til help arrives
from several drops of smooth St. Ives?

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

Resealable

---

The package says "resealable"
but whether ham or peas
when you try to snap it shut
it brings you to your knees.
The line turns red -- or is it blue --
the bag turns inside out;
the contents fall upon the floor
and seep into the grout.
"Resealable."  Oh, what a crock!
It's messy and unsure.
To every maker of such frauds
my only comment:  "Grrr!"
'Tween promise and performance
there is such a giant gap
that I am now reverting
back to good old Handiwrap!
 

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

The Pilgrim Fathers

---

The Pilgrims were a solemn band
who had no thought of paying
for the land on which they built
their churches for long praying.
They said that God had given them
this land of milk and honey.
Besides, the savages they found
had no use for their money.
The Pilgrims starved until their hosts
gave them some tips on farming
and in return the Pilgrims preached
a God who was alarming.
Today the Pilgrim churches stand
as empty as their pockets,
while Indian casinos have
attendance that skyrockets.

---

Get more done, have more fun, and stay more connected with Windows Mobile®. See how.

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

Yes, Virginia, etc . . .

---

Virginia asked, long years ago,
if Santa Claus were real.
And in reply newspapers said:
"It's all in how you feel."
Her question still is pertinent
and so I do reply:
The jolly fat man lives and breathes,
but not for us small fry.
A Santa Claus exists for those
who fly in private jets,
who gambled on the stock market
and can't pay off their debts.
St Nick is real for Scrooges who,
to feed the bottom line,
lay off their best employees and
on pension plans do dine.
Santa Claus exists inside the
heart of every miser
who hides behind his offshore bank
and his tax advisor.
Virginia, you and I can't count
on Santa Claus to come.
If we are not large companies
he treats us like a bum.
Without a golden parachute
or stock options galore,
old Santa has his reindeer kick
us all around the floor.
He takes away our candy canes
and doesn't give a damn.
That is because, Virginia, he
is really Uncle Sam.
 
 
 

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

The Curse

---

Music lessons were a curse
when I was just a boy.
Our mothers seemed to torture us
with undiluted joy.
They really thought pianos
kept us free from gangs and crime
and with much application
we might make the real Big Time.
We'd start a game of dodgeball
in the alley on the sly,
only to be ambushed
by that awful mother's cry:
"Come to the piano!"
"Why must you always roam?"
"I've got your lesson book right here,"
"with brand-new metronome!"
'Twalonly thirty minutes
but the time slowed to a crawl.
We felt ourselves grow limp inside
like some used-up rag doll.
When at last the chains were struck,
we went outside again
to find the other kids had gone
to watch some Gentle Ben.
And then at the recital
in a shirt that was too tight
we peed our pants while in the wings
from surfeit of stage fright.
Finally in high school
we did make our parents see
we never ever could become
a famous prodigy.
And that is why unto this day
our bowels begin to clench
whenever we approach too close
to a piano bench.

---

Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

Shut Up, Michael Moore

---

Shut up, Michael Moore.
You're such an old bore.
You don't know the score.
You make my ears sore.
Rush Limbaugh, be still.
You're mentally ill.
Go take a pain pill.
We've all had our fill.
Ms Oprah, drop dead.
You live in your head.
You make me see red.
Some weight you should shed.
Jay Leno, too smug.
Do you wear a rug?
Your jokes need a drug.
Your mouth needs a plug.
Judge Judy, for shame.
You're way off your game.
Your rulings are lame.
You're one ugly dame.
Doc Philbert, you stink.
You drive me to drink.
You're over the brink.
You need your own shrink.
What more can I say?
It's been a bad day.
These voices I'll slay.
Oh silence, please stay!

---

Windows Live Hotmail now works up to 70% faster. Sign up today.

---

Color coding for safety: Windows Live Hotmail alerts you to suspicious email. Sign up today.

Once in a Blue Moon

---

 


The leaders in the Senate
and the House of Reps have failed
to get their money package
by their colleagues shut and nailed.
Up for re-election,
most politicos are shy
of making any wavelets
or the thought of "Wolf!" to cry.
Paulson and his cronies
better have another ace --
maybe they can rob us
after spraying us with Mace.
Once in a blue moon our congress
pauses to give thought,
instead of giving in to
plans the lobbyists have bought.
 

---

Want to do more with Windows Live? Learn "10 hidden secrets" from Jamie. Learn Now

---

See how Windows connects the people, information, and fun that are part of your life. See Now

The Communists were Right!

The communists were right --
they were absolutely right!
Capital is finished;
it is dying in the night.
Instead of revolution
snatching means of all production
the government is buying it
at quite a large reduction.
They're buying all the banks
and insurance companies.
They'll soon own all Detroit
and the airlines, if you please.
Healthcare can't resist them
any longer, I am sure;
universal coverage
is campaign literature.
The communists were right --
they were totally correct!
The government owns everything,
as Karl Marx did expect.
 

---

Get more out of the Web. Learn 10 hidden secrets of Windows Live. Learn Now

---

See how Windows connects the people, information, and fun that are part of your life. See Now

checking in w/the Man

---

I like to go to church each week
and check in with the Man
so I can let Him know
that of His work I am a fan:
The sunsets and the rainbows
and birds in airy flight,
the ways of little children
(all excepting when they bite.)
The burnished colors of the leaves
as seasons come and go;
the stillness of a winter night
(if I don't shovel snow.)
The stars affixed above me
and the valley's sloping green,
the variety of foodstuffs
(I'll ignore the lima bean.)
Communications from good friends
who comfort me like nectar.
And the stranger at my gate
(except the tax collector.)
All of it is good and great
and long may it continue!
(I only wish some of my fat
He would convert to sinew.)
 

---

See how Windows Mobile brings your life together—at home, work, or on the go. See Now

---

Get more out of the Web. Learn 10 hidden secrets of Windows Live. Learn Now

First Debate

---

Down in Mississippi
where molasses is thought fast
McCain and young Obama
debated for broadcast.
Stating all the obvious,
refusing to lock eyes,
nothing that they said or did
would come as a surprise.
Avoiding the big picture
with a vagueness quite unique,
the candidates could summon
nothing more than gentle pique.
The moderator never could
elicit more than rote;
so when it was all over
poor Jim Lehrer slit his throat!
 
 

---

Get more out of the Web. Learn 10 hidden secrets of Windows Live. Learn Now

---

Want to do more with Windows Live? Learn "10 hidden secrets" from Jamie. Learn Now

Those Magic Ads

---

I spent my gilded youth upon
the floor with comic books,
with Superman and kryptonite
and Batman smashing crooks.
But even better than the clash
of titans in a pack
were the ads, those magic ads,
that shouted from the back.
Soldiers by the millions spilled
from boxes for combat --
X-ray glasses let you see
through skin and bone and fat.
A monkey in a teacup
could be bought for chicken feed.
Magic crystals in a bowl
that grew with lightning speed.
Sneezing powder, pepper gum,
exploding cigarettes;
supersonic, atom-bombing
cardboard Air Force jets!
I sent in all my quarters
ever-hoping for a coup
to make my pals so jealous
that their faces would turn blue.
But all I got back in return
broke down, could not abide;
even my poor monkey
in his teacup up and died.
And so my super heroes
were all working as mere shills
for plastic Japanese junk,
rubber vomit, other frills.
I learned a fool with money
will not keep it very long,
if he insists on heeding
Advertisement's siren song.
 

---

Want to do more with Windows Live? Learn "10 hidden secrets" from Jamie. Learn Now

---

Want to do more with Windows Live? Learn "10 hidden secrets" from Jamie. Learn Now

thrift store

---

Thrift stores have some bargains
if you run a haunted house
or plan on raising bedbugs
or perhaps a little mouse.
You cannot call it junk because
that hurts too many feelings --
as with vodka, you can't say
it's just potato peelings.
"Slightly Used" and "Almost New" --
they both have the same meaning;
broken, worn out, shabby,
and in need of lots of cleaning.
Still, the thrift store customers
will throw away their dough --
cuz they saw something like it
on the last Antiques Roadshow.

---

Reveal your inner athlete and share it with friends on Windows Live. Share now!

---

Your PC, mobile phone, and online services work together like never before. See how Windows® fits your life

school daze

---

Education in our schools
is surely out of whack
when every child must tote to school
a mountaineer's backpack.
I see them stagger on the bus,
expressions all forlorn.
They look like they're about to climb
the dreaded Matterhorn.
Why do schools insist upon
supplies in such excess?
A notebook and a pencil
ought to do the trick, I guess.
But no, there is the laptop
and a box of Kleenex, too --
a cell phone and a rule book
and a jug of Elmer's glue.
A quart of bottled water
(guess the drinking fountain's broke).
Calculator, paint set and
some handwash -- what a joke!
Scholars are not made from
all these knick-knacks in a bag.
No wonder kids play hooky
and their test scores always lag.

---

Reveal your inner athlete and share it with friends on Windows Live. Share now!

---

Get Windows Live and get whatever you need, wherever you are. Start here.

the prodigal son

The prodigal son,

Having spent all his loot,

Came back to his father

And got a new suit.

 

The son who stayed home

Still got the estate,

But after the taxes

He lived in a crate.

---

Need to know now? Get instant answers with Windows Live Messenger. IM on your terms.

fishing, or not

I don't think I'll write about fishing.

The subject has been written out.

Like politics, sex and religion,

The stories are subject to doubt.

I don't think I'll write about fishing.

As sport it's an absolute dud;

You sit in a boat gently snoring

Or you're up to your butt in cold mud.

I don't think I'll write about fishing.

There's certainly no sex appeal.

Impaling a worm is disgusting;

The person who does it, a heel.

---

Enter the Zune-A-Day Giveaway for your chance to win — day after day after day Enter Now!

timericks

The game of golf suggests to me

A droll form of insanity.

Pebble Beach or Interlachen,

People there just keep on knockin'

A little ball of blazing white

On it's senseless, futile flight.

Where it lands becomes most sacred –

Any doubt will faces make red.

The clubs all cost a kingly ransom.

The clothes they wear are rarely handsome.

Keeping score with handicap

Oft reveals a moral gap.

The greens are manicured each day

And treated with Oil of Olay.

Golf is neither play nor work;

It's lawn care that has gone beserk.

 

 

 

The planet Mars has water,

Now says NASA in amazement;

They could've saved the trouble

Just by looking in my basement.

---

Making the world a better place one message at a time. Check out the i'm Talkathon.

timericks

Eggheads claim the bumblebee

Defies the law of gravity;

Way too large for such small wings,

How if flies much anguish brings

To researcher and savant –

Leaving them quite pale and gaunt.

But what keeps me awake at night

Is not the bumblebee's mad flight.

Instead, I wonder all night long

How could our airlines go so wrong?

Flying used to be a treat,

A pleasure in each catered seat.

But now it takes an iron nerve

To fly with only rude self-serve.

No meals, no room, the bathroom stinks;

They've even cut out lukewarm drinks.

The only part without surcharge

Is when your luggage goes by barge

To some Antarctic frozen shore,

There to rot forevermore.

The pilot's drunk, they've closed the gate;

But never mind, the flight is late.

The next time I am forced to fly

A bumblebee I just might try.

 

 

I, for one, can hardly wait

For the nursing home's glad fate.

Nurses at my beck and call;

Free eats in the dining hall;

Pills to make me sleep at night;

Pills to spur my appetite;

All the TV I can view;

Wheelchair races – quite a few!

Napping in my favorite chair;

Lounging in my underwear.

Living in such classy style,

Boy, it's great to be senile!

---

Introducing Live Search cashback . It's search that pays you back! Try it Now

dew point, don't stare

If you'd like to have my viewpoint

On this thing they call the dew point,

I will tell you, like the wind chill,

It is tilting at a windmill.

---

Introducing Live Search cashback . It's search that pays you back! Try it Now

sound effects

When I was barely twenty

My records were LP's;

The needle kept on skipping,

The woofers buzzed like bees.

When thirty years had passed me

I piled up eight-track tapes

Until they reached the ceiling

And toppled on the drapes.

When forty years attacked me,

Cassette tapes were my bag.

I put them in my walkman

And watched my belly sag.

Then fifty years did find me

With CD's everywhere;

My belly still was sagging

But now I didn't care.

As sixty fast approaches

My kids urge an iPod.

I tell them it won't happen

Without an act of God.

---

Introducing Live Search cashback . It's search that pays you back! Try it Now

car commercials

How I hate commercials

Showing all those brand-new cars –

Do they think my lifestyle

Is the same as movie stars?

And all those acrobatics,

When upon a dime it stops –

If I tried such shenanigans

I'd be dead meat for cops.

Now, inside all these buggies

There are gizmos past belief;

They guide you, test your blood pressure,

Advise on tax relief.

Everything is leather,

Solid gold or platinum;

The only thing that's missing

Is a place to park my gum.

Innuendo hints that if I

Do not buy the brand,

My IQ is deficient

And my pants are filled with sand.

But buying their jalopy,

I would need to raise more dough

Than the whole darn GNP

Of well-heeled Monaco.

So when such ads are on the air

I simply change the channel

To something less expensive but

Most likely just as banal.

---

Need to know now? Get instant answers with Windows Live Messenger. IM on your terms.