Friday, July 3, 2009

Next Stop, Broadway!

(CNN) -- A Turkish television show is offering contestants what it claims is the "biggest prize ever" -- the chance for atheists to convert to one of the world's major religions.

The TV show offers converts to Islam the chance to visit Mecca.

The TV show offers converts to Islam the chance to visit Mecca.

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The show, called "Tovbekarlar Yarisiyor," or "Penitents Compete," features a Muslim imam, a Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi and a Buddhist monk attempting to persuade 10 atheists of the merits of their religion, according to CNN Turk.

If they succeed, the contestants are rewarded with a pilgrimage to one of their chosen faith's most sacred sites -- Mecca for Muslims, Jerusalem for converts to Judaism, a trip to Tibet for Buddhists and the chance to visit Ephesus and the Vatican for Christians.

Ahmet Ozdemir, deputy director of Turkish channel Kanal T, which will air the show from September, said the program aimed to "turn disbelievers on to God."

"People are free to believe anything they want. Our program does not have a say," he said, according to Turkish newspaper Hurriyet.

Contestants will be judged by a panel of eight theologians and religious experts prior to going on the show to make sure their lack of faith is genuine.

 

 

                                   THE NEW CRUCIBLE

                                    A Play by Tim Torkildson, aka Arthur Miller

 

Cast of Characters:

8 Various Theologians

1 Prospective Atheist

1 Surprise Guest Star

 

(The scene is a bleak courtroom, where eight solemn theologians are seated high up behind a massive lectern.  The prospective atheist is beneath them on a simple wooden stool, paring his nails with a spatula.)

 

Theologian #1:  So, you would like us to believe that you have absolutely no concept of, no interest in, no love or respect or even hatred for a Supreme Being?

Atheist:  Right you are, buddy boy.  I believe nothing I can't see with my own eyes, hear with my own ears, or taste with my own mouth.

 

Theologian#2:  Would you swear to that?

 

Atheist:  On a stack of pancakes!

 

Theologian #3:  But considering the boodle you stand to gain if you convert, we'll need more than just your word for it, my fine feathered foundling!

 

Atheist (finishing his nails and now going to work on his teeth with a lemon zester):  You guys can't prove that I worship anything or anybody, so nyah nyah nyah!

 

Theologian #4:  Such impertinence!  Have you anyone else that can vouch for your lack of moral conscience and utter disregard of faith, hope and charity?

 

Atheist:  I'm an orphan and have stopped socializing with the human race; I only commune with the more intelligent species on this planet – such as chipmunks and  pollywogs.  No man or woman knows what I think or feel or know.  But I'm telling you that I am a fervent, dead-again, atheist!  I'll prove it, don't worry!

      (He begins tap-dancing on copies of the Bible, the Torah and the Koran – finishing with a buck and wing that'll lay 'em in the aisles.)

 

Theologian #5:  Are we ordering out for lunch?

 

Theologian #6:  I am almost convinced that you are an atheist . . . but how do you feel about predestination?

 

Atheist:  Predestination doesn't matter; it's postdestination that counts.

 

Theologian #5:  Make mine ham on rye.

 

Theologian #7:  You seem to have an answer for everything, except this . . .

(flourishes a heavy piece of foolscap)

How do you explain this fan letter, with your signature, that you once sent to Red Skelton, which ends with "God bless you"?

 

Atheist (pulling out a red banana and wiping his brow):  I . . . I . . . I was young and foolish back then; I was on steroids and didn't know what I was doing!

 

Theologian #8:  Bosh!  If you're not a stinking agnostic I'll eat my hat.

 

Theologian #5:  Do you want pickles with that?

 

Atheist (sobbing into a pewter candle snuffer):  I keep a prayer in my heart, if you must know, for the Minnesota Twins . . .

 

     (Accompanied by a harp arpeggio, an angel drifts down from above, bearing olive branches and reuben sandwiches.  But since there is no horse radish in the room everyone begins reciting Shakespeare until Steven Spielberg buys the whole mess, puts in a dog, and films it under the title Wonder Beans)



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